All-Steroids Team's B-Squad

Excellent last post from Teddy! I nearly lost my lunch looking at the picture of Canseco. Add to his rap sheet the fact that he bedded Madonna, volunteered to pitch an inning of baseball and ended up needing season-ending surgery, and also once gave up a home run--off his head--and you have all the trimmings you need for his first-ballot, second-to-none induction into the "All-Steroids Hall of Shame."


Now, in case any or all of the starting 9 in Ted's post tear a hamstring, can't find a jock strap small enough to encompass their manhood--due to 'roid-induced shrinkage--or just go berserk, here are some guys the All-Steroids Team can call upon in a pinch:


1. Juan Gonzalez, OF. An RBI machine while with the Rangers in the late 1990s, he effectively dropped off the face of the earth after the Yankees passed on taking him mid-season in 2000. Here is a hilarious update, courtesy of Bill Simmons, on "Juan Gone" since then:

"In 2000, the Tigers offered Juan Gonzalez a $150 million contract that would have destroyed them for the rest of the decade if he wasn’t dumb enough to turn it down. It’s almost like the entire franchise had a near-death experience … Meanwhile, Juan Gone is playing in the Independent League along with my buddy JackO’s pal from home, and after JackO drove to Jersey to catch one of his friend’s games, they stopped at a Subway for dinner afterwards, and who walked in but Juan Gonzalez? That’s right, the two-time MVP Juan proceeded to sit down at a table and eat a Subway sandwich by himself. These are the things that happen when you turn down a $150 million contract. I feel like you need to know these things.)”

2. Jason Varitek, C. Come on, Sox fans...Is it coincidence that 'Tek's lumberjack legs withered to their current state at the same time that the game started testing for 'roids?!

3. Johnny Damon, OF. Simply put, no other reason, to me, would explain why he takes every opportunity to jab the Red Sox and go on ad nauseum about how happy he is to be with the Yankees.

4. Manny Alexander, IF. While with the Red Sox, he had an envelope with his name on it in his car when it was pulled over in 2000. Manny wasn't in the car, but what was inside the envelope were syringes and steroids. Basta!

5. Brady Anderson, OF. Exhibit A: 50 homers in 1996, a staggering 26 more than he hit in his next best season, 1999. His slugging % that year is also about 150 points above his next best year.

6. Andy Pettitte, P. Too many things line up in Pettitte's life/career with Clemens: teammates with the Yankees in the late 1990s/early 2000's, then teammates in Houston, and finally reunited (and it feels so good) with the Yankees. Rumored to be hard-core workout buddies.

7. Miguel Tejada, IF. I'm not sure about any guy on this list, and I'm the least sure about Miggie. Still, he did go off on an obnoxious tirade against Red Sox pitcher Derek Lowe after D-Lowe pitched the Sox past the A's in the 2004 post-season, screaming about how Lowe's victory celebration was not "family-friendly" and that his son was in the stands. Maybe it was juice-induced?!

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One problem with using stats when pointing to someone (like Brady Anderson) as having a potentially very abnormal season and extrapolating the data to attribute it to performance-enhancing drugs is that baseball history is likely scattered with non-steroid era guys who also (like Anderson) had startling single-season run production, wins, homers, etc., when the rest of their careers were less sensational or jaw-dropping.

Don't believe me? Try Roger Maris on for size.

He hit 61 homers in 1961, breaking Babe Ruth's single-season home run record, one of the game's most hallowed stats (until McGwire and, later, Bonds squashed it). The year before, he hit 39 homers, the second-most he ever hit in a single season. His 61 in 1961 were 22 homers more than his runner-up best.

Again, there is no hard evidence that any of these guys juiced. But there is much speculation. Some names I threw on here for that reason. Some names I threw on here for fun. And this is perhaps the saddest commentary on the steroid era: Many guys got away with using; many guys are suspected users; and others, clean guys, have been caught up in the whirlpool of allegations and hysteria.